Right now my house is full of boxes and clothes and mugs and plates and chaos.
I woke up this morning at 9:30, I lay in bed restless — done sleeping but not ready to be awake and take on the world, so I just closed my eyes and cuddled a pillow. I ran into a friend’s boyfriend at a coffee shop and he had to say my name 3 times before I heard him.
I had a call with a mentor who unsurfaced some really fun habits I have of giving my power away in basically every area of my life. Oh, gee, .
I didn’t want to eat anything other than croissants and coffee (when I get stressed, anxious or overwhelmed my appetite takes a first class ticket to Tahiti) but forced one of those chopped apple and carrot snack boxes with a tiny sandwich from Starbucks into a stressed belly (pretend kid food) and threw myself into the shittiest surf of my life.
I half surfed/half floated at Barneys for a while and then lay in my wetsuit in the fetal position in the sunshine on the beach. Half napping, half feeling guck.
I opened one eye and saw some cute little tall legged birds eating something from the sand–so curled to one side in the fetal position in my wetsuit in the middle of the beach and just watched them softly. That felt okay.
Lifeguard trucks and people drove by, I just shut my eyes and pretended they weren’t there.
When I am depleted (right now I am movement depleted from traveling for 10 months, project creativity depleted, book depleted and actual move move to California depleted) I don’t want to see a fucking human. Not one. I don’t even look at people–for I don’t know how to do that without giving them energy and love and light and connection.
While I am “playing dead” and pretending I am in an isolated cabin in BC where no one knows me, I hear a young girl go, “Mommy, is she okay?”
“She’s fine. She’s just sleeping.”
“No, mommy she doesn’t look okay”.
I look up, with a fake smile “I’m fine, just resting.”
I stood in my kitchen eating raw cookie dough in my change towel then lay on the floor of my bathtub during my shower because I was too tired to stand.
I left my phone in my car at 11 AM and haven’t looked at it because I don’t have anything to give it or the people inside of it.
Cried on the phone with my mom like a kid.
Now, I am eating more cookie dough ice cream in a really hideous grey sweater (while it’s sunny and palm tree’d outside) and am watching Vampire Diaries.
I have’t unpacked my things, read my emails, looked at my phone, seen my friends who live here — none of the things.
You guys have seen lots of cool photos of me holding my pink surfboard and in doped up villas in Bali — but I just wanted to let you guys know behind the scenes I don’t have my shit together either.
I have days where I am superwoman, and days where I don’t trust any of the things I trusted yesterday.