Ariana Grande clarified to Instagram followers on Sunday that her recent tattoo change is not a cover up, but an evolution! We’re so here for this mood!!
The fresh art in question is an “evolvin” version of one she seemingly got while dating Pete Davidson, featuring the word “always” on her rib cage, as seen (below):
This isn’t the first tattoo from the whirlwind romance that the exes have had altered since their breakup.
During their time as a couple, Miz Grande had “8418” inked on her foot as a tribute to Pete’s firefighter father who died on 9/11, as it was the number was the late Scott Davidson’s badge, but replaced it with a tribute to Mac Miller‘s dog Myron after the rapper’s death.
The previously engaged pair also both adjusted additional body art dedicated to each other… with the same cover up! The thank u, next singer followed in her ex’s footsteps with a black heart on her finger where Pete’s name once was, while he went for a black heart on his neck over her black bunny.
Still, the 7 Rings singer hasn’t been embarrassed to go back under the needle when it comes to changing her tattoos. She recently attempted to fix a misspelled Japanese phrase on her hand amid cultural appropriation accusations… but only made it worse!!
Seems her lyrics were right, after all:
“Girls with tattoos who like getting in trouble.”
But in the end, it’s all good!
Mr. Davidson has joked about their transformed ink during a comedy show in El Lay, referencing pieces he got dedicated to his ex-fiancée Ariana and ex-girlfriend Cazzie David:
“Um, I’ve been covering a bunch of tattoos, that’s fun. I’m f**king 0 for 2 in the tattoo [department]. Yeah, I’m afraid to get my mom tattooed on me, that’s how bad it is … Obviously you know, we [Ariana and I] broke up or whatever but when me and her first got engaged we got tattoos, and it was in a magazine like, ‘Was Pete Davidson stupid?’ And 93% of it said ‘yes.’ So my boy, he was like, ‘Don’t listen to that s**t man. They’re literally f**king haters.’ And I’m like, yeah, f**k that. I’m not stupid. Well the other day we were in my kitchen and he was like, ‘Yo bro. Turns out you were stupid.’”
He hasn’t gotten any ink dedicated to his new GF… yet! We bet he learned his lesson this time around. LOLz!!
I held him against me in the doorway of our bedroom, and we hugged each other. There was a slight stiffness about him, but as we held one another, flesh against flesh, though separated by cotton and denim, I felt his unease slip away as our bodies become one. At my whispered confession his muscles softened even more, and after I had spoken it was as if I could sense the last, lingering drop of his anger dissipate and drift away. Our argument was over. Finished. Forgotten. As if it never was.
I had been mad at him most of the night. Sometimes that man could be so exasperating to me. For someone so kind and thoughtful, on rare occasion, he stunned me with his apparent disdain. Were men really that clueless?!
He had just made me so mad, you see?! All I could think about was how he obviously wasn’t considering my feelings. I mean, why else would he make decisions that went against what I wanted?! Am I right?
As we had ridden along together in silence in the truck, actually going forward with the things I wanted, I wondered why he even came along if he was going to give me the silent treatment. I briefly considered giving him the silent treatment back. I could win that race! I had offered my hand earlier as a kind of peace offering, and he had taken it easily enough, but I felt the space between us despite our fingers intertwined. It was that invisible void that exists in a marriage status post argument. Those weren’t as easy to close as, say, a kitchen cabinet. We rode in silence.
But at that moment I had heard the voice of God within my heart, piercing me with its directness and clarity.
You’re being selfish. You’re only seeing how this affects you.
And at that very clear and matter-of-fact observation, I realized the truth of it. Immediately I began to see clearly. I saw how my husband was affected by my decisions, and I understood how he must feel about the situation. In a sympathetic viewpoint, I was more able to see his heart and to place myself in his shoes. No longer blinded simply by what I wanted, I was able to see why he desired the things he did. I was crushed by my prior selfishness and aloof behavior. How could I have been so flippant and self-absorbed?!
When I had later called him to our bedroom to talk, it had been to apologize. And as I held him against me I told him I was sorry for being selfish. Of course, he tried to deny my self-accusation, but I could tell by the way his countenance changed that my confession meant a lot to him. I shared how I felt he must personally be affected by the decision we had made (the cause for the argument), and I could tell from his accepting eyes that my empathy meant much to him. Sometimes all we humans really want deep down is for the people who love us to really see us. Most of the time everyone is too self-absorbed to see beyond their own nose.
I think the number one cause for most marital discord is selfishness. The human tendency to see only self is the main reason for a breakdown in relationships. What about cheating, you may ask. Well, isn’t a cheater only looking at what they want? Isn’t a lie simply a way to cover one’s tracks or reputation? Isn’t ignoring the needs [of] your spouse an exercise in selfishness? The truth is that the human tendency is to mainly look at self.
How does this affect me?
Look how she’s hurting me!
Look how he’s ignoring me!
Why doesn’t he care about my feelings?
Why doesn’t she listen?
Me, me, me.
Almost any argument can be prevented by looking less at what we need and looking more at what the other person needs. Most fights can be solved by looking more at how we hurt the other person and less at how they hurt us. Most disagreements are smoothed over, forgiven, and forgotten by taking a selfless approach and walking in that.
When we can serve our partner in selflessness we make our marriages bloom, lessen discord, and grow our relationship. It’s a reciprocal relationship, where your servant attitude manifests the same in your spouse. When you look after the feelings and needs of your spouse first, they’ll look after your needs in return. It might take a little work, but it leads to a longer, happier life together. Certainly more than one where you just worry about yourself.
Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele get ready to move to the suburbs because Redfin has found the listing for you – and the best part is the sex swing is already provided. Nestled away in the sleepy suburbs of Maple Glen, a suburb of Philadelphia is a 5,000-square-foot Colonial, fully furnished property that on the inside is anything but traditional. Sure it has all the basic amenities and furnishings, but take a look downstairs and you will find out why the listing agent of the home, Melissa Leonard, calls it “50 Shades of Maple Glen.”
Someone was looking for a new home in the suburbs and stumbled upon this stunning listing. At first, it seemed like the ideal place
A thief’s attempts to rob the Beverly Hills home of Hilary Duff and her boyfriend Matthew Koma were squandered by the couple after they reportedly managed to “scare” him away!
According to TMZ, the actress and musician were at home in their kitchen on Tuesday night at around 8:30 p.m when they “noticed a man lurking around their backyard.”
The parents reportedly managed to scare away the intruder before calling the police. When officials showed up to conduct a perimeter check, they discovered a window screen had been removed.
A source told the outlet that police have dispatched extra patrols around the area and are continuing to search for the intruder, who is still “on the loose.”
Though the would-be burglar never made it inside the house, the removal of the screen suggests he was certainly planning on entering at some point. So, it’s a good thing the couple snapped into action — especially since isn’t the first time the former Disney darling’s home has been targeted.
In July 2017, burglars realized Hilary was away when they saw her posting about a family vacation on social media. They broke into her home and stole about six-figures worth of jewelry, leaving the Lizzie McGuire star “shaken” by the incident.
But this time around, the mother-of-two was home — and she was apparently ready to defend it!
The couple were most likely with their four-month-old baby daughter Banks and Hilary’s 7-year-old son Luca, so it’s not surprising to hear they were in full protection mode. It’s not clear exactly how they managed to scare off the intruder, but we assume it played out something like this:
The actress doesn’t even appear to be all that bothered by the incident. The next day, she was spotted in Studio City, Los Angeles getting an iced coffee with her sister Haylie Duff, looking relaxed and without a care in the world.
We guess the 31-year-old is just too busy to lose sleep over another break-in attempt. In recent weeks, Duff has been splitting her time between El Lay and New York while filming the sixth season of her comedy Younger.
Lakey was involved in some of the greatest protests of the 20th century. Now, he says, there is a chance to reverse the rights decades-long power grab
Its heavy out there. Neo-nazism is on the rise. The gap between rich and poor grows ever larger. Protections for women, people of colour, LGBTQ people and immigrants are under attack. Meanwhile, the planet is simultaneously freezing and burning. Yet George Lakey couldnt be more optimistic.
The civil rights legend bounces around his kitchen in suburban Philadelphia as the icy winds whistle outside. Its a huge opportunity. Huge, he grins, waving his long arms inside his cosy cardigan. I am grateful that, at age 81, I am around and vigorous enough to be able to participate in the political process because this is, in my judgment, the biggest opportunity for major change, in my country, in my lifetime. A bigger opportunity than the 60s and 70s.
Lakey should know. An activist from the age of 12, the sociologist and writer has been manning the barricades for close to 70 years. For an unfailingly polite Quaker, he has quite a rap sheet. He was first arrested in 1963 while protesting in the USs segregated south, and was most recently arrested in 2018 at a rally demanding more green energy. There have been a lot of arrests in between. He helped sail a ship to Vietnam filled with supplies for peace activists during the Vietnam war, led peacekeeping workshops in South Africa with the African National Congress during apartheid, acted as an unarmed bodyguard for human rights defenders in Sri Lanka and has campaigned for same-sex marriage and LGBTQ rights.
Japans state-run kyushoku system combines flavour with fresh ingredients and high nutritional value at low cost
The list of dishes reads like a health-conscious menu at an upmarket cafe: mackerel cooked in miso, a light salad of daikon radish and sour plum, thinly sliced pickled vegetables and a selection of fresh fruit. But the restaurant is actually a classroom at Konan primary school in central Japan, where the pupils need only the gentlest encouragement to eat their greens.
When the Guardian visited the school in the Pacific coastal city of Fukuroi, the classroom, momentarily transformed into a lunchtime cafeteria, reverberated to a chorus of Itadakimasu a polite Japanese term for lets eat.
On the menu today is baked cod, sauted sweet corn and bok choy, minestrone soup, a small carton of milk and, as a Friday treat, a slightly less wholesome combination of white bread with a soy-based chocolate cream a challenge to spread evenly on the bread with chopsticks.
The portions are modest, but then so is the total calorie count 667 kcal for a meal that will sustain the 11-year-old children until they get home.
Something different every day
Konan is not the only school in Japan producing a range of lunches or kyushoku that combine flavour with fresh ingredients and contain levels of iron, calcium and fibre stipulated by a government-run programme for children attending kindergarten through to the end of junior high school.
Unlike its older brother, the super-fast G12, Greyp G6 looks and feels like a regular mountain e-bike.
Image: Stan Schroeder/Mashable
How smart can a bike get?
The Greyp G6, a battery-powered bicycle launched Friday, March 15, provides a new answer to that question. It raises the bar for every other e-bike manufacturer with a ton of original features that turn the bike into a powerful, high-tech gadget.
Over the weekend, I got the chance to try out the G6 on the beautiful trails of Croatia’s island Brač. Turns out, it’s also incredibly fun to ride.
Greyp is a sister company of Croatian hypercar maker Rimac Automobili, and the two share a lot of the same DNA. Neither company is interested in doing something that’s been done before, and both build high-end products that may not be for everyone, but will surely make every tech geek’s eyes light up.
Greyp’s first bike, the G12, was launched in 2013, and it was an entirely different animal. Half electric motorcycle and half e-bike, it was speedy and powerful — so much, in fact, that it wasn’t exactly street-legal in the same way a regular bicycle is.
The G6 comes in three flavors — G6.1, G6.2, and G6.3. It’s definitely an electric bicycle, of the mountain bike (eMTB) variety. But it, too, has a duality that makes it hard to categorize, simply because there aren’t many (or any) similar bikes around.
On one hand, the G6 is a high-end mountain e-bike with a 250W MPF motor and a 700mAh battery that provides additional power as you hit the pedals, but it never just drives itself like a motorcycle does. It has some of the best components imaginable, including a carbon fiber-reinforced frame, an enduro-oriented dual suspension with 150mm of travel and top RockShox parts, and SRAM EX1 shifters, cassette, and chain, to name a few. If you don’t recognize these components, suffice to say that you’ll find them on the best enduro and all-mountain bikes. See full specs for the three Greyp models here.
Everything and the kitchen sink
You may have seen similar electric bikes from companies such as Giant, Cannondale, and Specialized, but this is where the similarities end. First, Greyp drew from Rimac’s battery expertise to build its own custom battery, providing some 100 kilometers (62 miles) of range. Based on the short time I’ve spent with the bike, it’s hard to judge how much of an advantage over other brands this is. But having seen Rimac’s battery assembly plant, and given the fact that the company provides battery expertise and parts for some of the world’s fastest supercars, I’d say these folks know their battery tech. One other detail makes the G6 different from many competitors: The battery is visible (as opposed to being built into the frame) and easily detachable; you charge it at home with Greyp’s own custom charger.
But the biggest difference between Greyp G6 and most other e-bikes is that instead of relying on added sensors and smartphone smarts to provide extra functionality, the G6 has all of that built in. The bike has a GPS chip, a 3-axis gyroscope and accelerometer, and even a barometric pressure sensor. It has two wide-angle, 1080p cameras (front and rear). It has a 3-inch TFT screen, designed to be readable in sunlight, with a 240×400 pixel resolution for showing basic info such as battery life and speed. Connectivity-wise, the bike’s equipped with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi, and a USB-C port. Most importantly, it’s constantly connected to the internet via a built-in e-SIM, with Greyp covering the data costs until at least 2022.
If you think that sounds like a specs list for a smartphone instead of a bike, well, you’re right, it kinda does. I’ve checked numerous competitors, and I haven’t found an e-bike that has all these features, even on pricier models (though the G6 itself isn’t cheap; more on that later).
While the bike is fully functional as is — basic functions are accessible via rugged, waterproof buttons on the left handle — the real fun starts when you connect a smartphone and place it in a special cradle on top of the built-in screen. Then, you start Greyp’s companion app (Android-only, for now; iOS support is coming this year) and get features such as navigation, a live video feed from front or rear camera (seeing what’s behind you can be really handy sometimes), or detailed info about your ride. You can even put a built-in heart rate sensor on your wrist (it comes with the bike) and set the bike to provide more power when your heart rate goes up and less when it goes down, keeping you in that fat-burning sweet spot all the time.
Yeah, this thing is clever.
It doesn’t end there. When it’s not plugged into the bike (the bike’s battery charges the phone, so no need to worry about your phone dying), the G6’s smartphone app turns into a sort of remote control for the bike. If someone’s touching your bike, for example, you’ll be notified. You will then be able to remotely warn them via a text message on the bike’s screen, take a photo through the bike’s cameras, or disable it completely and track its location through the G6.
Between the bike itself and the companion app, the list of features is too long to name them all. Still more are coming, as the bike’s software can be updated with over-the-air (OTA) updates. But enough lists.
Turning a beginner into a pro
Unlike some prototypes we’ve seen, the Greyp G6 is a finished product that can be pre-ordered now and will start shipping to customers in a month or two. I had the rare opportunity to actually test it out right after launch, on a variety of terrain and in two different configurations — the G6.2 and the most powerful variant, the G6.3.
As a pure mountain e-bike, the G6 is just loads of fun. If you’ve never ridden a pedelec e-bike — one that assists you while pedaling instead of just driving you like a motorbike — you should know that it has two important traits. First, yes, it makes the ride easier by helping you out during those nasty uphill climbs. If you’re not very experienced or just can’t handle a climb on a regular bike, the G6’s motor will make you feel like a pro by providing just as much power as you need.
But if you are experienced and are looking for a challenge, the e-bike won’t turn you soft and lazy. You can ride as hard as you like and break a serious sweat, but the difference will be that, compared to a regular bike, the G6 will help you cover more distance. On a normal bike, 20 miles on rough terrain with a solid amount of elevation would be a long, painful ride for me. On the G6, I was blasting through the finish line. In fact, a couple months with this bike, and I bet I’d be testing the G6’s nominal 62-mile range, which would take me years to achieve on a regular bike. Note that once the battery’s depleted, the G6 becomes a perfectly capable regular mountain bike, so no problems there.
The G6 excels on rough roads. It’s got wide, off-roady tires and a sturdy frame that make the bike feel incredibly stable. With the help of the electric motor, I was easily conquering terrain that’d be a real challenge on a regular bike. Often I felt more confident at high speeds than I usually am; that could mean I’ve suddenly become a better rider, but it’s far more probable that the bike is just fine-tuned well. On an asphalt road, I didn’t mind those rugged tires; again, with the electric motor I was easily achieving good speeds, perhaps not comparable to a road bike, but still fast enough for my liking. I’ve tested both the mid-range G6.2 and the most powerful G6.3 variant, and honestly, both had plenty of power. I’ve also tried turning the power assistance off completely during a steep climb — and I very quickly realized that I’m not in the shape this bike made me feel I’m in.
The brakes, shifters, and suspension all performed admirably on both bikes I’ve tested. The G6.3 has slightly better parts than the G6.2, but it’s all high-end stuff that’s far better than anything I usually ride. One cool feature was the ability to change the seat height with a switch, mid-ride. The control buttons for the bike’s smart features seemed sturdy enough to me, though using them while riding over rough terrain wasn’t always easy.
Tech platform for the future
With the G6, the ride itself is just half the fun. I also enjoyed fidgeting with the extra features provided by the smartphone app. Some, like navigation, were most useful during a break. While riding, I mostly had the camera on, because it’s just so cool to have an HD stream of your ride in front of you. And you can record it to your phone at any time.
There were a few bugs. Sometimes, the video stream would lag considerably, and sometimes, the app crashed — but those issues were only present on an older, Galaxy S8+ Android model, which happened to be installed on the bike I was testing. This is made worse by the somewhat odd decision to place the phone cradle so that the phone covers the bike’s built-in screen. If the phone app dies, you lose access to all the info about the bike and the ride (plus, as a tech geek, I just like the idea of being able to see two screens at the same time).
The next day, the Greyp crew outfitted me with a different bike that sported a newer Android phone, and I had no issues during a 45-minute ride. Some parts of the trails had a poor 3G signal, which was also an issue for the always-connected G6. I’ve spoken to the folks at Greyp; they’re aware of these issues and are working to fix them before the product reaches end users.
The most interesting aspect of the bike, however, are the features yet to come. Some, like the possibility of getting a one-minute video replay (useful in case of crash) are nearly there, but aren’t fully implemented. And some, like gamification and racing against other riders, I didn’t get to test. But the possibilities of this platform are truly endless. Notifications if you stray off path and fall out of your group? Bad weather warnings? Music streaming? With the tech this bike has, it’s all possible.
Why hasn’t anyone done this before?
You could take a regular bike, add some third-party gizmos, and create some sort of makeshift version of the G6. Use a phone for the info screen, a helmet cam for video recording, a sports watch for the measurements, and stick a bunch of sensors on the bike. But it will never work as well as it does when the cameras, the sensors, and the connectivity are all built into the bike itself.
The truth is, once you get used to it — and you do get used to it fast — you start to wonder why other e-bikes don’t have these features. Mate Rimac, the CEO and founder of both Greyp and Rimac Automobili, tells me the secret is simple. “We’re an engineering company first. Innovation comes before everything else. We aren’t looking to build another bike, we’re looking to see where can we take the idea of the bike.”
I really do believe we’ll see these sorts of smart features on e-bikes more and more. After all, when you have that big, juicy battery, why not have it power a bunch things instead of just helping the bike move forward?
There’s another reason why all e-bikes aren’t as advanced as this, though, and it’s the price. Starting at 6,499 euros ($7,359), the G6.1 is not cheap. The G6.2 costs 6,999 euros ($7,925), and the G6.3 costs 7,499 euros ($8,491).
While the prices may be eye-watering for someone used to regular bikes in the sub-$1,000 price range, when you compare apples to apples, Greyp’s pricing makes sense. Comparably equipped e-bikes from big bike brands like Specialized and Cannondale are priced similarly, and they don’t have all the features that Greyp has.
The Greyp G6 can be ordered now from Greyp’s website, and should be hitting dealers in Europe over the next months.
We recently had the pleasure of sharing a really positive and useful social media challenge for once, the #Trashtag Challenge. Instead of the usual dumb and damaging crap like tide pods and people walking around blindfolded, this challenge encourages people to go out with their gloves and some trash bags, and clean up a polluted area.
Since our previous post a few days ago, the challenge has spread even further and gone truly global. Perhaps this is how we eventually manage to do something about climate change before it’s too late? It turns out that we can foster a community spirit, get off our butts and make positive change for our environment, we just need to be challenged to post pics of it on social media. Problem solved!
Scroll down to check out even more inspiring pics of people getting their hands dirty and cleaning up, and let us know what you think in the comments!
The #Trashtag challenge offers a refreshing new take on the social media challenge, with many previous iterations simply being a platform for people to show off while doing useless or destructive acts. The one most referenced is the Tidepod challenge, which caused much moral outrage and disbelief over the stupidity of those who took part.
The was also the cinnamon challenge, where people had to film themselves eating a spoon of powdered cinnamon, which can be dangerous if inhaled.
And of course there was the hot water challenge, where kids are encouraged to either drink boiling water through a straw, or pour the boiling water on a friend. One child died as a result of this challenge, and it makes you wonder what kind of people come up with these idiotic ideas that endanger the most vulnerable in our society.
Our kids from the Karavia Children Village rocked the #trashtagchallenge yesterday! What a great action and exemple for the neighborhood
One of the biggest #trashtag of 2019. Manila Bay Philippines clean up drive.
While it may seem new, the viral trend was originally started as the ‘Trashtag Project’ back in 2015 by UCO, a company that makes outdoor gear. The initial goal of the project was to collect 10,000 pieces of trash by October 2016.
Outdoor website snews reported it at the time, writing “The UCO #TrashTag Project was conceived by UCO People ambassador, Steven Reinhold, during a period of guilt after his receipt from a self-indulgent shopping spree flew out the window.Haunted by this inadvertent littering episode, Reinhold vowed to gather 100 pieces of trash during his road trip – and he did. Returning home from his adventure, Reinhold pitched an expansion of his vision to the UCO team, and the movement began.”
Over 8,000 cigarettes picked off the street to be recycled
This #trashtag is really kicking off here in Nepal. I wish this doesn’t die out and become a normal day-to-day thing
We Made A Trash Snowman At A Beach Cleanup In Taiwan!
While the original #trashtag challenge was a moderate success, used over 20,000 times since 2015, it really took off this month after Arizona man Byron Roman posted photos of Algerian Drici Tani Younes. The first one showed Younes surrounded by garbage and then a second one had him standing in the same place behind nine filled trash bags. Roman suggested this would be the perfect “new challenge for all you bored teens,” and it simply took off from there. Now it’s a truly global phenomenon!
This woman has dedicated the last year and a half of her life to cleaning up polluted coasts, way before #trashtag was a thing. Currently, she is in Central America continuing her efforts. More people like this deserve recognition
Living Lands & Waters cleaned up 14,353lbs of trash from the Mississippi River (in Memphis) just yesterday!
I can’t change the world but I totally changed mine
Okeanos Foundation for the Sea doing our part for #trashtag
The #TrashTag Challenge is an excellent reminder of how cleanliness can enable communities and the environment to Rise.
Watch how Mahindra employees came together for a cleaner country here
before & after
#trashtag challenge is one of the social media hashtags worth time and effort.
It urges people to pick a place filled with litter, clean it up, and post before and after pictures.
Volunteers have made beaches, parks and roads trash-free while raising awareness of the quantity of plastic litter we produce. Here is mine – Manchester’s Mirabel Street. During strong winds and after events at Manchester’s Arena our little corner gets a full blast of litter droped by passing by people.
I hope in no time we will transform Mirabel Street into the cleanest street in Manchester
Everyday hundreds of youth are cleaning up the country. This #trashtag challenge if continued in great magnitude can really help solve hundreds of environmental problems. This picture is from the students of highschool named KMC from Kathmandu, Nepal.
Make play ground a better place!
I wanted to give back to the Filipino community who has been so kind to me; I spent 6 hours at a “local’s” beach and cleaned it up a bit. I know it’s not a lot, but It’s a small way of saying “thank you.” #trashtag
I heard #trashtag is getting popular. Kiev, Ukraine
Did our part today for #trashtag while offroading in the mountains of California
Tried to do something better then nothing
One boombox, one dog bed and nine trash bags later and the woods next to my apartment building look a hundred times better. the top photos are the view from my kitchen window and now I no longer have to look at trash!
Hope more environment conscious people join this challenge for better tomorrow
Cleaning up homeless camps! #trashtag 260 kgs, only took about an hour!
We got inspired by all the other trashtag posts. Cleaned up a 3 mile section on our local trail
The KU Canterbury house decided to spend our spring break picking up trash on the streets of St. Louis!
Before and after. Makeup and clothes dumped near Moston Brook, now cleaned up
A pile of bricks by this path behind my local Walmart always bothered me. A couple years ago I got bored and made it less sh**ty. #Trashtag proves we can make the world a more beautiful place
The day I found out I was pregnant I became a mother. Instantly my life was no longer my own and I was elated! We had a baby on the way! Wow. I felt honored I was chosen to carry the little life that was growing inside of my womb. For months I bought clothes, decorated the nursery, crafted baby books, tirelessly looked over our registry, and celebrated time and time again the coming of this sweet little girl that was going to enter the world.
On January 27, 2018 at 8 p.m. I went into labor. My husband and I rushed to the hospital where I was admitted and given a room. We were excited we were finally at the end of a 41-week pregnancy and only labor stood in the way of us welcoming our girl earth side. After 20 hours of a ridiculously hard labor, Ella was born via emergency c-section at 4:39 p.m., January 28, 2018. Giving birth was harder than I imagined it would be but whew – it was over, and I finally had this beautiful darling girl…..and she didn’t feel like mine at all.
Visitors came. They ooed and awed over Ella. And I just sat there in a haze. I hadn’t had time yet to process all my body had gone through as well as all of the responsibility that was suddenly placed on my shoulders. We went home 3 days later and I entered my own personal hell.
Birth did not go as planned. Breastfeeding was not going as planned. Bonding was not going as planned. I did not emotionally feel the way I had planned. Three weeks went by and I continued to decline. I was sitting in a metaphorical pit blocked out any light or happiness from entering in. I started googling things like‘Is it normal to cry all the time after having a baby?’, ‘Is it normal to hate your baby?’, etc. Search result after search result pulled up ‘Postpartum Depression’. I began to read articles and symptom lists and mentally check every box for ‘Yep! That’s me.’
I uttered the words to my mom (who had graciously been staying with us), ‘I think I have postpartum depression.’ We talked about it some and decided I would talk to my OBGYN when I went for my next postpartum checkup. But little did I know I wouldn’t be able to make it until then. The next day, my mom was going to leave to go home and I begged her not to. I was terrified of what I would do to Ella if I was left alone with her. I was terrified of myself.
The next day landed me in ER after confessing to my husband I was homicidal towards Ella and starting to become suicidal as well. There I was prescribed my first antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. Though the medications helped some they were not ‘curing’ me. Things got worse and eventually spiraled out of control.
I woke up on a perfectly sunny Tuesday in March of 2018. And I instantly regretted it. My tired and sleep deprived soul whispered, ‘Why Lord? Why did you not take me in the night like I asked you to?’ Nonetheless, I willed myself to get out of bed’ because my 8-week-old baby is downstairs with my mom. As I crept down the stairs, dread filling me with every step, I finally see my baby and mother asleep on the couch in the living room.
I sit down.
I lose it.
My soul screams, ‘Lord, if you didn’t take me couldn’t you have at least taken my baby?! I can’t look at her, Lord. I can’t stand her!’
Guilt enters. UGH!! I suck as a mother. Who in the heck would ever think that towards their child? I mean, I’m supposed to be the one protecting her, right? And here I am wishing she would die. And not even just wishing but desperately begging for God to kill her. What’s wrong with me?
I move to the kitchen.
My mom walks in.
I begin to make tea, because I need the sweet caffeine to wake my body up. Trying to get a grip on reality I think, ‘Okay, okay. If I can just wake up, maybe all of these horrible thoughts will go away. Surely I was just sleepy and my mind wouldn’t betray me the way it was. I love my child. I think…I hope… Oh, good grief – I feel like I hate her.’
Mom asks, ‘How did you sleep?’ I sit with my teacup in the floor and begin to sob. I explain to her I didn’t sleep because my mind was racing about how much I wished I could die. Oh no, oh no, oh no……. here it comes. Everything becomes a weapon. The kitchen knives, the medicine in my cabinet just 3 feet away, the cars driving by the front of the house, the drill in the shed, the hammer in the pantry. If I could just get my hands on one of those things.
Hyperventilating, I excuse my self to the back porch, hoping the warm sunshine would enable me to feel something other than hate. Other than guilt. Other than deep, deep sadness. ‘God please take me. Please. Please, I’m begging you. Take me.’ I can’t live like this anymore. It’s not that I didn’t want to live anymore…It’s that I did not want to live like this anymore. I did not want to live feeling anything but love towards my daughter, I didn’t want to live dreading each passing day, I didn’t want to live in my little townhome scared out of my mind of what I might do to my baby. I needed to remove the threat. I needed to remove myself. I was a burden. A burden I needed to take into my own hands. A burden the world, my world, would be better off without.
I can’t live like this anymore.
I went on to get more medical help. My mother – who was scared out of her mind – called my husband to come home from work. When he got home they loaded me up in the car and took me to the ER. I went reluctantly, begging them to take me back home. I didn’t want to be thought of as ‘crazy’. I didn’t want everyone to know the joyful, outgoing, Jesus loving, bubbly girl they knew had gone bat-crap-crazy.
There, they ‘tranquilized’ me and put me to sleep. After that they recommended I spend a few days in a mental health facility. Up until that day, I had never contemplated suicide in my life. I had never so desperately wished I could die. But after they stabilized me at the hospital we went home with a different safety plan in place to try and pull me out of this debilitating depression.
The very next day from my ER stay, I hit rock bottom, medicine wasn’t working, therapy wasn’t working, doctors weren’t working, ‘self care’ wasn’t working. Again I wanted to die. And maybe even more desperately than I had the day before. That night, I looked at my husband and barely got out the words, ‘I want Jesus.’ You see, I either wanted to go be with Him or for Him to show up and heal me because MAN. I. Just. Couldn’t. Go. On.
My husband had his mom pray for me. She laid hands on me as I wept face down on the floor and the Holy Spirit showed up. My mother-in-law started speaking in her heavenly language and I had a vision of Jesus telling me, ‘Aly, I see you and I’m not going to leave you like this.’ INSTANTLY I felt healed. And my husband and mother-in-law knew it. I hadn’t even sat up and said anything, but they knew in their bones God had healed me, and they began praising Him. I sat up and they handed Ella to me, and for the first time in her teeny-weeny life I felt love for her. Genuine, motherly love. And I knew THIS was how I was supposed to feel. THIS is what being a mother was like. THIS is that overwhelming love I was supposed to experience. It was like I was experiencing becoming a mother all over again. And y’all I know how crazy that sounds. But let me tell you – my God IS crazy in the best way. My healing path may not be yours but I know you can also find it.
I have genuinely been fine ever since that moment. I don’t know what happened but I have been healed, and what’s more, I’ve been given a new passion to shed light on all perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I have gone on to create an organization (www.ppdjourney.com) that shed’s light on the darkest illnesses, shares stories of survivors, and creates community for women walking this path. Whatever helps you, medication, faith, therapy…I want to help and share your journey.
Praise God people were present in my darkest moment with PPD. Praise God my mother had the foresight to call my husband home because she knew she couldn’t handle me on her own. Thank God two of the most important people in my life carried me when I couldn’t bear the thought of taking another step. I am GRATEFUL I am still here and out of the fog of PPD. I am grateful I now get to enjoy the blessing my sweet girl is. I am grateful for the mercy that was shown to me in my darkest hour.
**This story was written by Aly Thayer and originally appeared on Love What Matters. Used with permission. See more from Aly’s journey and other PPD stories on her website, or connect with her on Facebook or Instagram.
Lizzie Borden might be innocent — or she might have gotten away with two gruesome murders.
Back in 1892, Lizzie Borden was the main suspect when her father and stepmother were axe murdered. Even though Lizzie was eventually acquitted, there are still hundreds of people who are convinced she was involved.
is a psychological thriller based on the real murders in the Borden family. The film is currently available to watch on Shudder, a video on demand service owned by AMC Networks.
Before you check it out, here are a few unsettling facts about the Borden family to get you excited about watching the story unfold:
1. Lizzie’s father, Andrew, made his money by selling household furniture — and caskets.
2. One evening, Andrew murdered pigeons in his barn with a hatchet. Lizzie had built a roost for those pigeons and was allegedly upset with her father for hurting them.
3. When Andrew got remarried to a woman named Abby, it was assumed she entered the family for wealth, not love. In the months before the murders, Andrew gifted her family with real estate, which caused tension with Lizzie and her sister.
4. Days before the murders, the entire family came down with a mysterious illness. Abby was worried the food had been poisoned because her husband was not well-liked among the community. However, during their eventual autopsies, no traces of poison were found.
5. The Borden murders occurred on August 4, 1982. Abby was the first victim of the morning. Between 9:00 and 10:30, she went upstairs to make the bed and was struck on the side of the head by a hatchet. This left a cut above her ear and caused her to fall facedown on the floor. Her killer proceed to hit her seventeen more times in the back of the head.
6. When Andrew returned from his morning walk, the front door was jammed. The maid, Bridget, helped him inside. While at the door, she claims to have heard Lizzie laughing from upstairs — which would have been in clear view of the dead body.
7. At 11:10 AM, Lizzie called Bridget downstairs, yelling about how someone came in and killed her father. He was struck 10 or 11 times with a hatchet. He was clearly sleeping at the time of the attack, since one of his eyeballs was split in two.
8. When Lizzie was questioned by police, she gave contradictory information. At one point, she told the police she heard nothing. At another point, she told them she heard scraping and groaning. During her testimony, when she was asked what she was doing at the moment when her father came home, she said she was in the kitchen reading a magazine. Then she said she was in the dining room ironing. Then she said she was coming down the stairs.
9. The police ended up being criticized for the way they handled the case. Even though Lizzie kept changing her stories, they never bothered to check her for bloodstains or do a thorough inspection of her room.
10. Two hatchets, two axes, and a hatchet-head were discovered in the basement. The police suspected the hatchet-head was the murder weapon because there was a break in the handle and the head was coated with dust. It looked like someone had deliberately dirtied the tool to make it seem like it hadn’t been touched.
11. The morning after the police informed Lizzie she was suspected of murder, she was caught tearing up a dress to throw in the fireplace because it was covered in “paint stains”.
12. Even though Lizzie was acquitted, many people still believe she was responsible for the murders. There is no evidence of physical or sexual assault, but some people assume her father abused her, which led to the attacks. Others assume Lizzie was in a same-sex relationship with the maid, was discovered by a disgusted Abby and Andrew, and murdered them out of rage.
13. When Bridget died in 1948, she allegedly confessed she changed her testimony on the stand in order to protect Lizzie. Lizzie herself died on June 1, 1927 — but she never admitted to a thing.