Sometimes you just can’t hold it in. In those moments, it’s best to just fart as unobtrusively as possible and move on with whatever you were doing before. That’s what this Alabama weatherman tried, but as you can see/hear/clearly tell, he didn’t exactly pull off the “unobtrusively” part.
The weatherman in question is chief meteorologist Chris Dunn of NBC affiliate Local 15 out of Mobile, Alabama. According to the station’s website, Dunn is an “Emmy Award winning broadcaster with 25 years of on-air experience.” So maybe he’s just gotten a little too comfortable on-air.
Clearly someone has added a few effects to this video, so you might be wondering if maybe they also added in that squeaky fart. Perhaps it was a rival weatherman, who was nominated for an Emmy but lost to Dunn? It is, even for a fart, a pretty hilarious sound. Can it truly be believed?
Well, unfortunately for the meteorologist, someone else with a DVR was able to record the segment and unless Dunn stepped on a duck when he backed up, it seems pretty clear he let one rip in the studio.
Alton Brown reviews dumbest kitchen gadgets.
With 25 years of experience and an Emmy under his belt, it seems like one tiny (in fact kind of adorable) fart isn’t going to affect this weatherman’s job, even if he did contribute to the methane problem that is causing climate change.
As we shed some tears and bid a bittersweet farewell to this amazing summer, we begin to lose our hearts to fall. The inevitable summer breakup happens every single year, but who can blame us? There’s something so alluring and magical about back-to-school season that instantly hooks us. Many of us are gearing up to move back to campus, embrace our school spirit at football games, and finally be reunited with our college squad. And if you’re in a sorority, the summer couldn’t go by quick enough for you to see all of your sisters once again. To celebrate the upcoming season with your sorority girls, there are a ton of fun sisterhood retreat ideas you can plan to have an unforgettable time with your mains.
Planning a fall retreat with your girlfriends is necessary to strengthening your bond. And obviously, you cannot forget the swag. Whether you spend an evening decorating tank tops with glitter paint and decals, or dish out some cash for bedazzled baseball caps, sorority swag is essential to any sisterhood retreat. Here are six cheap and awesome retreat ideas that will forever bond you and your besties.
1. Head To Camp For Sisterhood Bonding Activities
We had such an amazing time at retreat! Thank you so much to our awesome sisterhood officer Katie for planning such a fun adventure pic.twitter.com/bb5JpLcDdQ
Jam pack your weekend with fun team-bonding activities and games. Hit the canoes and paddle boards by day, and snuggle up around the campfire by night. Don’t forget the marshmallows, and you’ll undoubtedly share a ton of laughs with your main squeezes.
Heading to a yoga retreat on an exquisite beach or in the mountains where you can embrace the beautiful foliage is a great way to get in touch with your inner self. Focusing the body and mind in meditation practices and yoga routines creates a beautiful journey to enjoy with your best girl pals by your side. This weekend will surely be a relaxing treat away from your hectic college schedule.
3. Have A Pumpkin Spice And Everything Nice-Themed Party
There’s nothing like planning a pumpkin-themed party to get into the seasonal spirit, am I right? Whether you rent out a house close to campus or hold the party in your backyard, you can play fun seasonal games and have a great time bonding over making delicious pumpkin spice treats. Don’t forget to set up a photo booth with cool props, of course.
Dude ranches are so much fun, and what better place to plan a trip to than with your sorority girlfriends? From horseback riding and rock climbing, to karaoke and line dancing, this will be the ultimate retreat for lots of laughs and good times. Bring your flannel shirts and cowgirl hats, and really get into the mood to have fun with your closest sisters.
Few activities compare to doing something really special for other people or animals in need. Whether it’s a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, animal shelter, or food pantry, it will feel so rewarding giving back to your community with people you love. Do some research, and book up your weekend with volunteer work. Everybody wins.
Need I say more? Massages, facials, saunas, manicures, pedicures, and delicious food await. Spend an entire weekend pampering yourselves in a plush bathrobe and slippers. Now that’s relaxation at its finest.
Even on the days when you are tired and worn, when you can barely lift your head from the pillow, when you roll over, a groan escaping your lips. Even on the mornings when you curse the bathroom mirror, when you shrug on your clothes in the dark, when you brew your morning coffee and sip it slowly with the lights off. Still, I will choose you.
I will rise from bed and cross that kitchen floor. I will wrap my arms around your tired body and lean my forehead against your chest. I will breathe deeply and slowly, praying for you, willing all my love to follow you wherever you go.
I will choose you, even when a smile is far from your face, even when you are angry and bitter. Still, I will smile, and kiss your cheek and tell you I love you. Still, I will go back to sleep, even just for an hour, dreaming of your hand in mine. Still, I will choose you.
Even on the days when you do not choose yourself, on the nights when your hair is a mess and your posture is slumped. Even when you smell like stale beer, or complain far too much, or scream at the t.v., or tell me that you just want to be alone. Still, I will choose you.
I will let you have your space and take mine willingly. I will care about you, near and far, and support you in whatever way I can. I will use my words, my heart to build you up when you are broken. I will never let you fight alone.
I will choose you, even when you do not think you’re capable of being the man I know you are. When you doubt, still I will stand beside you, encouraging and fighting and believing. Still, I will love you, even on your darkest days. Still, I will choose you.
Even when we don’t agree, even when our voices raise, even when we argue and I want, so desperately, to run. Even on the nights I pull away from you, scoot closer to the opposite side of the bed, cross my arms and withhold forgiveness, even though I know that’s not right. Still, I will choose you.
I will love you, no matter the anger I feel. I will care, even if my heart seems far away. Though it might take time with my stubbornness, I will eventually roll back to your side of the pillow, curl myself up in your arms.
I will choose you, even when you make me mad. My love for you won’t fade simply because we are angry. I know we will fight, we will be frustrated, we will be human. Still, I will go to battle for you. Still, I will choose you.
On the best days, on the worst nights. In the instances we almost forget how beautiful our connection is. Even when there are other options, even when opportunities knock on my door, even when I feel an inkling to leave and find myself with someone else. Still, I will choose you.
I will keep our bonds, our promises. I will remind myself of the good, even if we’re lost in the bad. I will reach for you when you feel far away. I will speak, and not let my emotions go unsaid.
I will choose you, even in the doubt. Even in the moments we both hesitate, wondering whether this is love. I will accept that we are flawed and imperfect, and still I will love you anyway. No matter what this world throws at us, you will forever be mine. Still, I will choose you.
1. Identify how your pain serves you. Nobody consistently self-sabotages without reason. The patterns and habits that you feel “stuck” in meet some kind of need. If you can’t let go of negativity, it’s because you are secretly using it for something.
2. Work on your ability to visualize. The only way to change your life is to first imagine what the opposite of your pain is. Until you are consciously creating your life, you will be living on the same autopilot that you are right now… and over time, you will begin to think it’s who you really are.
3. Stop believing everything that you feel is real. Experience should have shown you right now that your feelings are not representative of what’s happening in reality, rather, they are a tool for you to see the quality of your thoughts about reality. Use this to your advantage, not your detriment.
4. Be honest about what you really love vs. what you love the idea of. Nobody intentionally chooses a life they don’t really want; they simply confuse what makes them feel good for what the idea of something makes them feel.
5. Do not say anything about yourself that you do not want to be true. “I am” is the most powerful prayer in the universe.
6. Stop judging, criticizing and seeking out fault with people who have the things you want. Doing so is making you associate having those things with being unloved.
7. Stop trying to make things perfect more than you try to find what’s already perfect about the life you have.
8. Find what makes you “flow.” Flow = health, where as stiffness or hardness = death. Do anything that makes your oxygen, blood, thoughts or feelings move again.
9. Memory surf. Trace your feelings back to their source. Figure out what scared you and why you’ve continued to live as though that scary thing is constantly threatening you.
10. Figure out what’s on the other side of your fear. Whatever upsets you most is actually a sign of what you care about most.
11. Figure out what’s on the other side of your pain. Often, the things that we struggle with most are actually our deepest gifts in disguise. Many people who write self-help books begin them by explaining how badly they struggled with their emotions, and then how in the process of learning to deal with them better, they discovered their life purpose.
12. Clean out your space. Your belongings hold as much energetic imprints as anything else. Clutter blocks flow in your space. Some people even say that when there is a disruption or stressor in your life, there is often a corresponding mess in your home.
13. State what’s wrong. “Feelings, once felt, will start to change themselves.”
14. Remember that most of what you fear is an illusion that your subconscious has designed to hold you back and keep you “safe.”
15. Surround yourself with people who you aspire to be like. Their influence will impact you more than you realize.
16. Stop spending so much time scrolling, reading and engaging with things that make you a smaller, more angered, judgmental, scared version of yourself.
17. Follow, read and regularly engage with people and content that inspires you to be your best, most loving and creative self.
18. Get a junk journal, and use it to write down all of your racing, scary feelings. Burn it or throw out each page after you get out whatever you need to.
19. Disrupt your patterns. You cannot build a new life while standing in the ruins of your old one.
20. Give your feelings colors and descriptions. Welcome them into your body when you feel them and then ask them what they are here to tell you. Write the answer down, and then close the journal. Go back when the feeling passes, and decide if the message is one of fear, or one of love.
21. Stop trying to find your happiness – find what’s your happiness. Joy is your natural state.
22. Do yoga, even if all you can manage are a few poses, or just lay in child’s pose for 15 minutes. Go for a walk, even if it’s just around the block. Drink water, even if it’s only one glass. Do not underestimate the power of small actions, and how they will build over time.
23. Make a playlist that makes you feel nostalgic or sad or inspired. Clean the kitchen. Eat something cheap and delicious for dinner. Do anything that grounds you and reminds you that life is both simple, and to be enjoyed.
24. Give yourself credit. You are doing so much better than you think you are. You are so much more accomplished than you know. Make a list of everything you have now that you didn’t have before. Realizing what you’ve done and what you’re still capable of is the greatest motivation there is.
25. Imagine the exact life you want, down to the detail. Imagine who you are when you are your best self. That is who you really are, and that is the life that you’re meant to create. Do not let any thoughts, fears, or other people tell you otherwise.
Before he became the inciting incident in the post-apocalyptic thriller that is our age, Donald Trump spent most of his life cultivating the image of a disgustingly wealthy businessman and cameo-worthy celebrity. He was the rich bully of his time, inspiring many movies and TV shows to feature barely fictionalized versions of him as villainous characters meant to symbolize the greed and cynicism of 1980s capitalism. Interestingly, none of the following examples ever went so far as to imagine a future in which this character would become president.
A Trumpian New York City Developer Starts A Hate Campaign Against The Ninja Turtles
It was only a matter of time before the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles squared off against the most quintessential of all New York City foes: rising property values.
In the fourth season of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show, the Turtles are beleaguered by real estate magnate and rotund blowhard Fenton Q. Hackenbrush, who runs the not so subtly named Donald J. Lofty Enterprises. Hackenbrush wants to demolish the sewers completely and turn them into Donald J. Lofty luxury condos. For that, he needs the Turtles to disappear. (If Hackenbrush is anything like the real Trump, he probably thinks the Turtles are the wrong color to live in one of his buildings.)
In an interview with April O’Neil, Hackenbrush sells his greedy plans to the public on the basis that his sewer reconstruction will “flush out the worst menace in the city: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” Of course, the people of New York don’t have any problems with the Turtles, so Hackenbrush forces a group of employees to dress up in those bad Turtle Halloween costumes we all used to wear and go commit crimes.
Then an evil turtle named Slash arrives in the city, and Hackenbrush immediately mocks him as “some kind of foreigner,” but then bribes him into sowing mayhem, fanning the flames of turtle racism.
Hackenbrush is eventually exposed by some ace reporting by O’Neil (New York Times, pay attention). As punishment, he is loudly fired by the actual owner of the company, Mr. Lofty — who looks surprisingly a lot like Fred Trump, Donald’s father. We’re not saying TMNT intentionally created a world in which Fred Trump would repeatedly yell “You’re fired” at his heir, but that’s immediately the best Trump origin story we’ve ever heard.
The Devil’s Advocate Features A Rich Murderer Who Owns Trump Tower
In The Devil’s Advocate, Al Pacino is the titular Devil (not a spoiler; you don’t cast Pacino in a movie about Satan and make him the lovable dad), who has set up a law firm in New York in order to subvert justice and release evil into society. And who is Satan’s favorite client? The guy who lives atop Trump Tower.
Though it is slightly inaccurate, since he never claims to have the best murders ever, just fantastic.
Alexander Cullen, played by a suitably balding Craig T. Nelson, is a Trump-esque real estate mogul accused of murdering his wife, stepson, and maid — dire straits for a guy based on someone who once bragged he could shoot a person in the middle of the street and get away with it. His arrest immediately prompts Pacino’s law firm of Fire, Brimstone & Ham to send their new ace attorney, Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves wearing his dad’s suit), to defend Cullen. Why? Because, oddly, he’s Lucifer’s best client, having racked up “16,242” billable hours in one year. That’s a lot of shady business.
Warner Bros. Pictures 1.85 years of shady business, to be exact.
But being a hated New York business tycoon and employing a massive team of evil lawyers doesn’t necessarily mean Cullen is a Trump clone, right? Luckily, for the sake of subtlety, when we finally arrive at Cullen’s home, we see that it’s literally Trump’s apartment in Trump Tower. The filmmakers managed to rent it out, preserving its natural appearance as Liberace’s mind palace.
Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures “Try not to touch anything — you’ll get metal poisoning.”
In the end, Cullen is found not guilty, despite Lomax knowing that he murdered those people, thereby finally giving in to his true nature as the son of Satan. That’s right, the Devil’s son loses his innocence by defending Trump. Burn.
A Sci-Fi TV Show Villain Morphs Into Donald Trump … Played By Donald Trump
Night Man was a late ’90s low-budget TV show based on the Malibu Comics series about a San Franciscan saxophone player who can sense evil and wears a laser eye. Despite that, it somehow managed to run for two seasons, possibly because of its reliance on magnificently bizarre cameos — none of which were more utterly mystifying than Donald J. Trump in technically the only real acting credit to his name.
In this episode, Night Man is chasing a face-changing villain called Face to Face, who decides to engage in some quick identity theft to make a large withdrawal from the bank. Who better to transform into than the self-proclaimed richest man in the universe, Donald Trump? (No really, please suggest someone better.) In one of the most perfect sequences in the history of the medium, Face to Face slowly morphs into The Donald, dazzling audiences with peak mid ’90s CGI while simultaneously reinforcing the idea that Trumps looks like a melting Claire Danes.
Donald Trump — remember, this is the real Donald Trump playing a man who has shapeshifted into Donald Trump — walks into a delightfully green-screened bank, and then sits down with the bank manager to illegally withdraw $10,000. Sadly, the nuanced layers of a real man pretending to be a fake man pretending to be him do not translate to Trump’s performance:
Could they not find a real bank that would allow Trump to walk in?
Weirdly, in his utter boredom and bad acting, something spectacular happens: Trump seems … nice. He’s subdued, polite, even charming. It seems that all you need to do to make Trump likable is carefully control what he says and make sure he’s not physically in the same room with any human beings.
A Disney Show Paired Donald Trump With A Dead Pirate
Before Disney found a way to become rich off Johnny Depp wearing a lot of eyeliner, it first got its pirate feet wet with The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage, a lighthearted romp wherein the undead spirit of a mass murderer teams up with a fictional Donald Trump analogue to save both of their souls from burning forever in hell.
Luckily, Disney would never reuse “Jack Savage,” or his ship the Black Bird, or anything like it ever again.
When Daniel Tarberry, a rich real estate mogul from New York, has to flee the country because of legal troubles, he buys a luxurious Caribbean mansion to lie low in, but doing so summons the ghost of Black Jack Savage, who was hanged on the island for his crimes. The two are now forced to save the lives of 100 people in order to save themselves from eternal damnation.
Tarberry is a greedy shark who insists on hanging a portrait of himself in every hotel room he owns and constantly tries to weasel out of paying his contractors a dime. He’s not very respectful to women, referring to every lady who talks back to him as “the poster girl for PMS.” He’s also a straight up racist, first assuming Black Jack is his cabin boy, then loudly exclaiming that he wants to change all the locks because he “found a black man in my kitchen.”
The writers had intended to start Tarberry off as a real piece of Trump, only to eventually learn from his mistakes and become a better man. He even occasionally refrains from treating Black Jack like some weird Jim Crow genie.
But the show never got to the redemption part, as the network pulled it after only seven poorly rated episodes. Believing that people are interested in seeing a Trump redemption story might have been the most misjudged part of The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage — a Disney show that opens with a black man being lynched.
Gremlins 2 Had Trump Fight Gremlins
Nobody really expected Gremlins to get a sequel, especially not its creators. And when it did, no one could have predicted that the real villain wouldn’t be gremlins, but the world’s most notorious New York City mogul.
Director Joe Dante wanted to have the Gremlins run amok in a fancy New York skyscraper. But the movie still needed a villain, a rich guy so obnoxious that audiences wouldn’t feel bad about watching midnight demons tear him several new assholes. And then it hit Dante: “At that time in New York City, there was one major character who was Mr. Billion.”
At the time, Trump was known for being “overbearing and obviously kind of goofy,” said the film’s writer, Charles S. Haas. “He was an emblem of what was going on in the ’80s and ’90s with greed and money and crassness, and [the idea of] the whole world being for sale.” And so they created powerful millionaire Daniel Clamp, a Trumpian mogul (with a dash of Ted Turner) who also happens to be running violent animal experiments in his tower Clamp Center.
Actor John Glover modeled his performance of Clamp on the director, whom he saw as “incredibly gentle, supporting and encouraging,” rather than on Trump, which is why Clamp can say weirdly racist nonsense like “Let’s lose the elm trees. People see elm, they think Dutch. [pause] Disease” and still sound like a swell boss. It’s also why we unreservedly root for Clamp when he shoves a Gremlin into a paper shredder.
And also because he seems to be the only one who realizes gremlins aren’t that difficult to kill.
Consequently, Gremlins 2: The New Batch offers a peek at an alternate universe in which Nice Trump helps us fight small-minded rage goblins, as opposed to the universe we live in, where those goblins got him elected president.
Sesame Street Thinks Donald Trump Is Garbage
Over its nearly 50-year history, Sesame Street has striven to be not just entertainment, but also a tool to teach children. And many times over, it has tried to teach them that Donald Trump is the king of the trash people.
The first time we encounter Sesame‘s Trump is in ’88, as a grouch named Ronald Grump. Grump is trying to con fellow grouch Oscar into letting him build a three-trash-can-high Grump Tower on his spot in return for a “duplex can-dominium.” Oscar simply adores Grump at first, because he exemplifies grouch values, as “his name is on every piece of trash in town.” Grump is also grouch-famous for building “a swamp in a day,” a line so apt that the Sesame Street writers should get a retroactive Emmy for it.
“What about dumpsters?”
However, Grump immediately tries to evict Oscar for keeping pets in his fantastic, just the best tower. This forces all the Sesame Street residents to band together to buy Grump off with their garbage, making the first lesson most American kids learned about Donald Trump was that they need to pay him to go away before he ruins everything.
Donald Grump returns during the show’s 2005 parody of The Apprentice, in which lesser grouches are fighting for the privilege to assist Grump in peddling his trash all across town. After a series of pointless tasks, Elmo, whose hard work and positive attitude wins the day, immediately gets fired by Grump, who exclaims, “I can’t have a good helper! I got my reputation to think of.”
However, the Trump animosity really boiled over during the Street‘s 25th anniversary show in 1993. The entire special episode revolves around the residents of Sesame Street fighting Grump (this time expertly portrayed by human forehead vein Joe Pesci), who’s trying to convert the entire block into a garish Grump Tower. At first he sweetly attempts to convince them that having their street become an overpriced boutique is a good thing. But when the residents don’t agree, Grump starts threatening Muppets like they’re in Goodfellas.
Fortunately, Grump’s plans fall apart because Oscar and his trash heap (which are on city property) keep Grump from selling a single condo. Furious, he rips up his plans and screams that Sesame Street didn’t deserve a Grump Tower anyway. So that’s charm, bully, and now abandonment. If the show had ended with Grump taking Oscar to court for loss of potential revenue, Sesame Street would have achieved the quadfecta of the Trump negotiation style long before Nancy Pelosi coined it.
Since he became president, Trump has not been shy about his desire to gut PBS, the public station that was home to Sesame Street until 2016. We can’t help but think that Ronald Grump has something to do with that.
Cedric will never stop politicizing Muppets. The best way to boycott his leftist agenda is by following him on Twitter but then never interacting with him in any shape or form. That’ll show him.
Why should you have to deal with the Trump presidency alone? Make your cats miserable too with this Donald Trump cat costume.
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Walmart is now offering to stock your fridge for you—even if you’re not home.
The big-box giant is teaming with a smart lock startup called August Home to test a service in which workers would use a temporary door code to deliver groceries straight to your kitchen.
“Think about that—someone else does the shopping for you AND puts it all away,” Walmart vp Sloan Eddleston wrote in a blog post announcing the test. “This may not be for everyone–and certainly not right away–but we want to offer customers the opportunity to participate in tests.”
The deliveries will be monitored by security cameras provided by the startup, and customers will have the option of watching the process in real-time via an app. The couriers—contracted through the startup Deliv—will only let themselves in if no one answers August Home’s smart doorbell, which triggers a smartphone notification when pressed.
The trial is currently limited to a small group of August Home customers in Silicon Valley.
Walmart’s been doubling down on sometimes-quirky experiments like these as it looks for new ways to challenge Amazon’s dominance of the online shopping market. The online grocery market has been one of the most cutthroat fronts of that battle, especially since Amazon took over Whole Foods in a blockbuster deal this summer.
Some of its other tests include a service in which its employees drop off online orders on their way home from work, a giant grocery vending machine in the parking lot of some stores, and drive-thru store pick-up. It also announced this week that it will begin accepting food stamps for online grocery orders for the first time.
Despite its vast potential, online grocery still only makes up about one percent of the total market, and surveys show most Americans still aren’t very comfortable with online grocery shopping altogether. So if the idea of delivery people shuffling through people’s kitchens does catch on, it probably won’t be anytime soon.
When you see the word “fatberg” appear in an article, you know it’s not going to be good. Puppies, kittens, or a fourth type of chocolate have precisely the opposite effect on your imagination.
Well, stop eating and brace yourselves, because a record-breaking fatberg composed of human waste, sanitary products, and contraceptives has been found in the sewage system beneath Whitechapel in East London.
It’s 250 meters (820 feet) long and weighs 130 tonnes (286,600 pounds), which means it’s the same size as two-and-a-half American football fields back-to-back, and is as heavy as 19 adult African elephants, or, if you prefer, 878 sumo wrestlers.
It’s currently blocking up a major segment of London’s sewage network, and if left untreated, would cause bile and poop to flood the east London streets like some sort of demented fountain of fetid fondue. In order to prevent this gruesome geyser from emerging from the depths, authorities are hard at work using high-pressure water jets to attempt to dislodge it and break it down. It will take about three weeks to remove.
Fatberg is an inarguably appropriate name for this hellish spawn. They’re normally composed of condoms, wet wipes, and other insoluble products that shouldn’t be flushed down the toilet under any circumstances. These used items, coated in human detritus and effluent, are held together by a sticky matrix of fat, which is normally oils that have been washed down kitchen sinks.
Make no mistake, this monster is a vile inadvertent creation. Think of the poor crew that are currently hacking away at it, especially those armed with nothing more than shovels. Thames Water, the organization responsible for maintaining these poop portals – among other things – shell out $1.3 million per month cleaning out fatbergs like this, but this one will probably set a new costly record.
Although there’s some talk of using fatbergs to produce biodiesel, they are for the most part extremely unwelcome phenomena. If you wish to help out those poor subterranean workers, then please don’t flush your used condoms into the toilet and try to drain the oil out somewhere else.
One day, you could hear a rumbling beneath your feet, and the gastric-like unguents of a concealed fatberg will burst forth and cover you in indescribable filth. You do not want this to happen. So, for everyone’s sake, think twice before you flush.
If you are for some reason sad that you’ll never get a chance to meet the Fatberg monarch in person, don’t fret: The Museum of London is hoping to acquire a cross section of it to preserve its disgustingness for generations to come.
Relationships are tough. Marriage is a tough bitch. And it’s certainly not for everyone. As a lawyer, I have handled a few divorces. Thank goodness there is such an alternative for people trapped in horrible circumstances. But if you’re inclined to weather sickness and health, richer and poorer — and even if you’ve just met the person with whom you want to be in a longterm romance — bring a short memory and a long sense of humor. You’re gonna need it.
1. Burn your blueprint.
Rid yourself of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of coupled life. They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your fairytale gets hijacked.
Didn’t Jesus say something about forgiving someone not just seven times but seventy times seven? That would be 490 times….which should last you through your first 6 months. Jesus underestimated because, remember, he wasn’t married.
3. And forget.
If you forgive but don’t forget, did you really forgive? I know people who claim to have forgiven but still use every available opportunity to bring it up. And if you don’t want to forgive, forgetting works just as well.
4. Be a good teammate.
Life can come at you hard. One of the nice things about marriage and relationships is being able to have someone else in the bunker when you’re getting shelled.
If you still have the same desires, opinions and beliefs at age 50 that you did at age 25, that’s your own damn fault. You will not, and should not, be the same person you were then.
6. And adapt.
Even if you stagnate, the person you’re in a relationship with will change. Don’t fight it. Embrace it, learn from it, be thankful for it.
7. Find your faith.
There is great comfort in believing in something or someone beyond our crude human existence. Explore this belief. Take this journey together.
8. Travel together.
Travel forces couples to rely on one another in unpredictable ways. It will also broaden your worldview and the way you value your relationship.
9. Travel separately.
I want to go to Australia and you want to go to Maine? Cool. Take lots of pictures. See you in a week.
10. Develop your own interests.
It seems counter-intuitive, but you will enhance your relationship when you pursue your separate interests.
11. Cultivate a wide, diverse circle of friends.
One of the greatest joys of living is meeting new people. And many of the people you meet will likely make you appreciate your mate even more.
12. Don’t keep score.
I know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.
You owe it to each other to be in the best physical health possible. The mental side effects from exercise will also be beneficial.
14. Practice self-awareness.
Take frequent looks in the mirror. Reflect on who you are and the contributions you are making to your relationship. Are you being judgmental? Unfair? Harsh? Hypercritical? Defensive?
15. Admit that you’re wrong (even, on occasion, when you aren’t).
This is both the easiest and hardest thing to do on this list. But this simple gesture will pay immeasurable dividends; it will help you grow and it’s just the right thing to do.
16. Celebrate accomplishments big and small.
Whether it’s a promotion at work or the police officer let you off with just a warning, find every occasion possible to toast your good fortune.
17. Surprise one another.
Fill up her car. Let him sleep alone in the bed once in a while. Buy some bacon.
18. It’s the good little things.
Holding the door, suggesting a movie night, paying attention. The reward for these is greater than the sum of the parts.
19. And it’s the bad little things.
Cracking your knuckles, spitting, clearing your throat, picking your nose, chewing ice. These are death by a thousand cuts to your relationship.
20. Cultivate your finer qualities.
When do you ever have an opportunity to really work on qualities that make you a better person? In a strong relationship, you can do it every single day. Qualities like patience, loyalty, compassion, trust.
21. The bathroom is private.
If you think it’s quaint to brush your teeth while I use the toilet, you’ll change your mind about that eventually. Trust me.
22. Talk about sex (but not just right before, during, or right after).
Sex is an important part of any relationship. But for some reason couples don’t want to discuss it unless they are in the throes of passion. Don’t make sex a taboo subject.
23. Encourage each other.
We all have insecurities. Your relationship is one place where you should be completely free to reveal these and your spouse should help you overcome them.
24. It’s okay to have secrets.
Even George Bailey slipped Violet Bick a $20 bill every now and then.
25. Avoid subtext.
This is a cowardly way to communicate. If you have something to say, say it. Don’t hint about it.
26. Put it down.
The toilet seat. Her cell phone. The beat.
27. Pick it up.
Your dirty sock. Your used tissue. The pace.
28. Don’t over-romanticize past (or future) relationships.
You weren’t that great and your ex isn’t that hot.
29. Never use the “s” word.
Don’t call each other “stupid.” That’s just stu…. not wise.
30. Offer solutions, not criticism.
Anyone can criticize. A good teammate (See Rule 4) will offer a way out.
It doesn’t matter which one of you makes the most money. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the better REO Speedwagon vinyl collection. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the best nickname. It doesn’t even matter which one of you has the coolest food allergy.
33. Compliment each other.
Sincerely and often.
34. Respect each other’s friends.
You know your wife’s loud mouthed, insane friend Cathy who thinks you have weak bullshit and can’t believe you married her BFF? See below.
35. Know when to keep your mouth shut.
No list would be complete without the “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” lesson.
36. Indulge each other’s passions.
Scrapbooking doesn’t count.
37. Lose your arbitrary moral code.
This list alone proves that I am the king of the double standard. When I want to spend money on a new set of golf clubs, it’s a good investment. When my wife wants to spend money on new kitchen countertops, she’s a profligate. It’s not exactly fair.
38. Respect space and time.
Have we not evolved as a species or watched enough Dr. Phil to realize our mate does not want to answer the question “How was your day?” the minute he/she walks in the door?
39. Take pride in your appearance.
Your marriage license doesn’t give you a free pass to always wear sweat pants and T-shirts.
40. Maintain good hygiene.
Could your big toenail puncture a snow tire? Could your breath peel wallpaper? Take care of that, please. I don’t want to have to tell you again.
At least once. Thankfully, this may be all you need.
43. Speaking of family, everyone gets a holiday card and a birth announcement.
Even your creepy Uncle Steve and their psycho cousin Lisa.
44. Don’t be petty.
So I forgot to stop at the store to get your prescription. Did you have to throw away my ceramic cactus shot glass holder?
45. Be self-sufficient.
Learn to do your own laundry. Know how to cook a meal; how to navigate the grocery store; how to make an online purchase; how to turn off the water to the house; how to erect a Nerf basketball hoop; how to unclog a toilet.
46. Everything is fair game for a joke.
This should be at the heart of everything you do. I have not found a single thing that I have been unable to eventually laugh about. If you know this from the beginning, it makes things a lot more fun.
47. Have good manners.
Don’t yell. Open the door. Help carry the groceries. Cover your cough. Hold your gas.
48. Be responsible with money.
No one lives on love. You need money. If you earned it, you will almost certainly respect it. If you didn’t earn it, you must respect it even more.
49. Remember to say thank you.
Even and especially when things don’t seem like they need to be acknowledged.
50. Adapting beats abandoning.
There will be moments when you want to quit, walk out, give up. You can do that. But you will probably be doing so without giving due consideration to the new life that awaits you. Will you be better off in six months? 10 years?
Want more articles like this? Check out Thought Catalog’s best-selling book here.
By now, I think it’s safe to say that there is no fountain of youth. Scientists may still be working on a magic potion to bestow upon us the gift of never-ending adolescence, but the best and only sure-fire way we know how to keep ourselves looking and feeling 10 years younger is to eat right and exercise often. Be that as it may, not everyone enjoys running or high intensity weight training, so what’s the alternative? According to new research, something as simple as dancing is healthy for you, and can keep us feeling young, too.
To explore this claim, scientists from the German Center for Neurodegenerative Disease and Institute for Sports Science compared and contrasted how both moderate-to-vigorous physical activity and dancing could have a positive impact on the brain. Participants were asked to participate in a weekly dance class, and were given MRI brain scans to prove whether or not the activity produced positive benefits.
It turns out dancing, as well as traditional aerobic exercise, can improve the brain’s functionality.
Think of all the times you’ve been in a car, turned on the radio, and a familiar tune from way back when came on. I dare you to tell me you didn’t remember every lyric, couldn’t visualize the music video in your mind.
Music can be extremely powerful, and it turns out these mindless acts of musical clarity aren’t so mindless at all. In fact, according to the recent study, memorizing choreographed dance routines or even just tapping along to a familiar beat sparks neural activity and functional connectivity in the brain.
And this isn’t the first time our brains and dance have been connected in that context. In a 2016 study published in the , study authors found that sports dancers not only had a better understanding of their bodies physical functionality, but they also believed that their rhythm perception was directly linked to brain activity.
Ever heard the phrase “shake the sillies out?” Apparently, if you shake, shake what your mama gave ya, you can also shimmy out a memory or two.
Everyday Health reported that, according to a study published in , scientists revealed that “aerobic exercise can reverse volume loss in the hippocampus, the part of the brain that controls memory.” The hippocampus, they explain, shrinks naturally when human’s enter adulthood, so by reversing the shrink, it is less likely that person will develop demential and other brain-altering diseases.
The best part is, you don’t have to be a professional dancer to reap these health benefits.
If you’re a natural dancer in the Jenna Dewan Tatum sense, busting out into sashays and choreographing hiphop on and off stage, that’s awesome (and impressive). But if you’re more of a closet aerialist who prefers getting into the groove with her kitchen radio and trusty hairbrush, that’s equally as awesome.
You don’t have to be a professional dancer to to reap all of the physical and mental benefits this activity has to offer. Take an hour to attend Zumba at the club with your best friend, or make a playlist and jam in your living room to wake yourself up in the morning.
Even though it’s officially an alternative to exercise now, dancing is supposed to be fun! Leave the competition for and enjoy!
My nana’s got a stair lift in her house because she’s old as fuck and her bones are all crackly and frail. She’s also super twisted and loves wild shit. Here’s a bunch of ways me and the boys messed around with her stair lift ranked by how sick my nana thought it was.
6. Cranking up the stair lift speed to the fastest setting and lettin’ ’er rip: We thought this was gonna be more badass than it was, but it turns out these stair lift things don’t go that fast. It was pretty embarrassing honestly. My nana didn’t think this one was cool at all, and she booed us for a little while and then took a nap in her big chair.
5. Putting a surfboard on the chair and getting Rich, Blake, and Troy up on there at the same time: I knew we were onto something here because as soon as we got the surfboard out, my nana started saying, “There you go! Now, there you go! All right, now we got something going!” Then when Troy fell off and busted his ass on the stairs, she started howling like a wolf. My nana thinks it’s super funny when people bust their ass or get hit in the balls or whatever. She’s on YouTube all the time watching shit like that. Every time I come over to her house she shows me a bunch of them on her computer. That’s her sense of humor. The surfboard trick is still ranked pretty low because Nana thought it was only a little bit sick, but she still liked watching it.
4. Lining the stair lift with firecrackers: Blake had the genius idea to put some fireworks at different points on the stair lift so they would explode when the stair lift went past ’em. It was sick as hell and almost practically lit the house on fire, but nana completely missed it because she fell asleep in her big chair. Just part of being old as fuck, I guess. Anyways, we woke her up and told her about it and she agreed it sounded pretty sick. Wish she’d seen it, but oh well.
3. Tying Xander’s legs to the stair lift chair and seeing if it could drag him all the way up the stairs: Soon as the stair lift started to drag Xander up the stairs, my nana started pounding the kitchen table and screaming, “Faster!” So we made it go faster and—okay, this is fucking hilarious—it started to pull Xander’s pants down a little so you could see his ass crack and my nana just busted out laughing and started screaming that she was gonna piss herself. Luckily she didn’t piss herself. But she said she was almost gonna and we thought she might because sometimes you piss yourself when you’re old as fuck and howling at some dope-ass shit like Xander getting his pants pulled down by the stair lift. I’m glad she didn’t piss herself that time, though. That would’ve been so weird. Anyway, my nana thought this trick was really fucking sick, which is why it’s coming in at number three on the list.
2. Troy going down the stair lift with an air-soft gun and shooting at us the whole way down: For real, though, Troy is such a dick with that air-soft gun. He’s always busting it out and shooting us in the ass and we’ll all have, like, huge welts for, like, a week. I swear, if Troy wasn’t going through such a hard time with his parents getting a divorce and everything, I would completely kick his ass. Goddamn. Anyways, my nana thought it was sick as hell when he came down the stair lift shooting us with his air-soft gun. She was, like, screeching and shit. For real. My nana thinks guns are awesome. She’s always sending me pictures of guns she finds online that people are trying to sell illegally on Facebook and craigslist and shit. She doesn’t even have a gun. She just thinks they’re cool.
1. Stacking all us boys up on top of each other on the stair lift chair and coming down as fast as possible: Okay, this was seriously scary. We could’ve definitely fallen off and died or something. But it paid off because it made my nana go absolutely ape-shit. Soon as she saw us coming down the thing all stacked on top of each other going way too fast, she raised her walker up in the air all triumphantly and started cheering. I haven’t seen her think something was that sick since the time my uncle’s eyeball popped out during touch football at our family reunion one year. I was sure the stair lift was gonna break, but dang, that thing is sturdy as hell. I mean, we were definitely over the weight limit, but somehow it didn’t break. It was sick. When it was over, my nana was just stomping around the house with her walker screaming, “Fuck damn yes!” a bunch of times really loud at nobody in particular. Eventually her old-ass bones got pretty tired out and she had to take a nap in her big chair. I love my nana. She’s the best.
Widespread devastation. Barely habitable. The powerful storm heading towards Americans is a threat. Like those in Hurricane Harvey’s path, many more Americans could soon be without power and other basic support services – and may be so for several days.
Harvey was a Category 4 with mean winds up to 156 mph that caused severe damage to well-built homes and blew over trees.
Irma is currently predicted to be worse – a category 5 with destructive winds more powerful than 157 mph. Category 5s can destroy entire buildings and make roads unusable, isolating people and making it difficult for the government to access them and provide assistance.
Are you ready for a hurricane to strike? What if you need to suddenly leave your home for a few days? Is your “go bag” prepared with the right essential items in case you need to evacuate to safety?
This isn’t a comprehensive list, but a few key essentials to help cope when a hurricane strikes. Build your hurricane “go bag” and duffel in advance with the very best stuff used by tactical professionals- but available to civilians too.
Gear up and get ready!
Select a Go Bag
Let’s start with the “go bag.” This is where you carry all your key survival essentials.
With hurricanes this dangerous you may need to be ready to leave your home and head to a safe area. About 100,000 homes were hit by Harvey, for example. Florida has already begun evacuations.
Any sturdy backpack you use regularly and are comfortable with can work well.
If you want to invest in something a tactical professional would use, then Vertx EDC Gamut is a top choice. Military quality, but with a smart civilian look. The pack is designed to withstand elite team missions so it will effortlessly take a beating. It can be fully loaded out and has heaps of engineering to make it comfortable to carry for the longest trudges through hurricane floods. Priced at $199.95.
The Blue Force Gear Jedburgh pack is very versatile and the incredibly smart Dapper organization system provides a huge advantage –especially in a crisis – because it makes everything easily and rapidly accessible. Definitely another top option. It comes in different colors and is available for $140.
Patagonia’s Black Hole 25L with durable water-repellent finish is another great option and will keep your contents dry in hurricane rains. Black Hole comes in different sizes and retails for about $100.
Stay Connected to Help
A hurricane can mean no Wi-Fi, no electricity, no television, no computers, no power to charge your phone … so it is very important to have a radio.
The water resistant, simple-to-use Eton FR600 endorsed by the American Red Cross has AM, FM, seven NOAA weather channels and S.A.M.E. Technology so that you can track the hurricane’s progress and find out about available support – anytime, anywhere.
Use the smart “Alert” mode that automatically alerts you when the national weather service posts vital data – so you don’t have to listen to the weather nonstop.
Features like the speakers you can use to plug in your own music and the morning alarm allow you to bring some home conveniences with you.
There’s also an SOS siren to use if you need help.
This radio can be charged a few ways. Cranking only takes about 90 seconds to charge. The solar panel powers a built-in battery. And you can also use regular batteries.
Power Through a Crisis
Bring your own power to the crisis. Hurricane Sandy caused about 8.1 million homes to lose power with outages affecting 17 states. Expect that there will be no electricity available.
Put a device like the Voltaic Fuse 6W Solar Charger on your go bag. Lightweight and about magazine sized, it is one of the very best options that will give you a four-to-one ratio of reliable smartphone charge for the time you expose it to sunlight.
Looks like a briefcase, acts like a reliable solar power generator that is easy to carry. For more power on the go, Renogy KIT-FIREFLY 20W All-in-One Generator Kitweighs only 12 pounds but delivers 20W so will definitely help keep phones and radios charged.
Always Have a Solar Powered Flashlight Ready
It’s extremely important that every family member has a flashlight. The GoalZero Black Flash Flashlights ($40) are excellent. They’re lightweight and small, and charged by the sun so you will not have to worry about running out of batteries.
Access to Clean Water in a Flood
We take access to clean water for granted in the U.S., but natural disasters like a hurricane can potentially disrupt clean water supply.
FEMA recommends at least one gallon per person per day for emergency preparedness. Important to keep in mind that humans can survive a lot longer without food than they can water. But where do you get water when there’s no water coming out of the faucet or it comes out looking dirty?
You need to make sure you have a way to clean water. With the right device, you can take water from a puddle or a swimming pool and safely hydrate. And this is important – look at the flooding in Texas. Tests have revealed sewage, fecal bacteria, E. Coli and more that can make humans extremely ill have contaminated the flood water at very high levels.
Images of Americans trapped in cars that have been flooded or stuck on the roof of their homes in Harvey’s aftermath are a stark reminder that it is important to always have access to clean water during flooding.
Pop the lightweight tube on a lanyard called LifeStraw in your go bag and you will immediately be able to remove more than 99 percent of bacteria and protozoa and will process up to 264 gallons from any water you come across.
This is also something you can put around a child’s neck so it is always available and at hand. Another great option is the LifeStraw Go Water Bottle available at $29.16.
First Aid Kit
Designed by a Special Forces veteran with 28 years of combat experience, one of the very best first aid kits that is the highest military standard but available to help you and your family is the ReadyMan Ultimate Kit.
If you are going to invest in one thing, then it should be having to hand things that can save your life and others. The ReadyMan TNT First Aid Trauma Pack is available for $277.95.
At a lower price point, ReadyMan also makes a very popular Medical Card. Simply jam packed with essential medical tools in the size of a credit card, you can slip in your wallet or pocket. Put this into your current first aid kit to ramp it up. Available for $13.
Duffel Hurricane Defeater
You have a go bag, but how do you prepare for being on the go for more than a few days?
Get smart and proactive. Choose a waterproof duffel and stock it up.
There are a lot of great options on the market, but the two true standouts are Yeti’s newly debuted Panga and Grundens Gage Shackleton Waterproof. Both will give you the comfort of knowing that no matter how much water a hurricane unleashes, day after day your sleeping bag and clothes will be utterly dry. Those both will last a lifetime of adventures and have smart features.
Panga has super smart pocket design ideal for emergency circumstances. The Shackleton Duffel easily converts to a backpack when you deploy the hidden straps.
With the Panga, you get YETI’s engineering that made tumblers and coolers basically indestructible. That level of excellence applied to keeping your belongings dry no matter what. Available starting at about $300.
At a lower price point of $115, the Shackleton is an incredible deal. Grundens are masterful at defeating water and rain. Founded by a fisherman’s son to better protect fishermen, Grundens has been innovating to defeat the most extreme ocean conditions and stormy waters for more than 100 years. Professional fishermen rely on the company’s products in scary extreme weather at sea – and you can too when facing a hurricane.
Do not expect to be able to pop down to your local grocery and pick up food. With flooding, access to food could take days. It is important to stock your go bag with lightweight nutrition like protein bars.
For your vehicle or duffel, you need to stock up for at least several days of food. Bear in mind that after you evacuate, you might not have access to electricity or a kitchen to make food.
One outstanding option is Mountain House. They have kits containing from two to 14-day supplies. Their emergency “buckets” will provide tasty, freeze dried, loaded with nutrition meals that only need hot water to prepare. Options range from lasagna to scrambled eggs.
Mountain House makes Long Range Patrol rations or “LRPS” (now called Meal, Cold Weather) for the United States military.
Designed to help U.S. Special Forces to be at their very best while operating in every extreme climate and terrain, LRPs are now available to civilians too with options like chicken and rice and breakfast skillet.
Kits for 72 Hours, for 2 people start at $147.
Bring the Heat
A warm meal or hot drink can be a real boost to morale in a crisis. Without electricity, that will be tough unless you’ve planned in advance and made sure you have a stove. The BioLite Wood Burning CampStove is definitely one of the best options and it is available for $130.
Make sure to pop your electronics in something waterproof. Freegrace Waterproof Lightweight Dry Sack/Dry Bags is another great option and comes with double zip lock seals to extra protect your things if they get submerged underwater.
Another standout, it comes with a waterproof phone case so you can still text and talk while out in hurricane rain. Fantastic value for max protection.
Protect Medicine, Important Documents, and Precious Possessions
With emergencies, it is extremely important to prepare critical things you might need in advance.
Things like birth certificates, passports, irreplaceable photos, medicine for medical conditions, a paper map in the event you can’t use your phone to navigate … these things need to be kept safe – and dry.
Magpul is renowned for its revolutionary, smart designs. With the PMAG, for example, they’ve transformed magazines, in a way that will save warfighter lives. In fact, the Marine Corps and now the Air Force has adopted them.
The Magpul DAKA Pouch comes in different sizes and will keep your precious things safe from hurricane rains, flooding, mud and more.
Ziplocs are also great to use as a final line of defense. If you don’t have a laminated map, then you can keep a map safe in a Ziploc. Garbage bags are very useful too in case clothing gets wet, then you can separate it and keep things dry.
Forewarned is Forearmed
You can find already prepared packs at reliable sources like the Red Cross. The Emergency Preparedness Starter Kit starts at$49.45and the Deluxe 3-Day Emergency Preparedness Kit is $99.95.
Make sure to think about things tailored to your family. For example, if you have children then cards, lightweight travel-sized board games may be a good idea to pass the time.
And do your research. Watch instructional videos by elite military professionals who are experts in survival, like ReadyMan, for detailed advice.
Allison Barrie is a defense specialist with experience in more than 70 countries who consults at the highest levels of defense and national security, a lawyer with four postgraduate degrees, and author of the definitive guide, Future Weapons: Access Granted, on sale in 30 countries. Barrie hosts the new hit podcast “Tactical Talk” where she gives listeners direct access to the most fascinating Special Operations warriors each week and to find out more about the FOX Firepower host and columnist you can click here or follow her on Twitter @allison_barrie and Instagram @allisonbarriehq.